Today...

I thought alot today
about things, about how I've lived, all these yrs in UK
things that I've done and not done
things should have done but didnt
I thought about Life; in general, in specifics esp to me
my thoughts were alot calmer today than yesterday's



and came to some conclusions
because today, God made His revelations

B&B...discouraged..

Discouraged. Have you ever felt discouraged?

So disheartened, downcasted and somewhat dejected so much so that everything seems gloomy, dull and grey?
Have you?

I reckon with your level of intelligence, your positivism, your cheerfulness, that even if you ever felt down, you'll never be out; whenever you were downcasted, you'd easily lift yourself up
you'd go kick some balls, play some games, rock your head to some banging of drums and all would be fine and fine to face life again
well, at least you seem the sort to me

*sigh* wish I'm like that - positive, able to lift myself up easily and face life head on again after a fall
but the problem is, it's not 'a' fall...there were so many.......
how, like that?



B&B. hmmm.....God alone knows how badly b&b I am
how badly I need His healing Hands to touch & heal
to lift me up from all the bruises, struggles & battles
did I tell you I'm crushed?



today, I teared so much
I felt so bad towards my dad, felt I've let him down so much and so badly
no, not felt; I have
a billion apologies to him ain't enough to relate how badly I felt, for letting him down
for failing him, time & again
for failing myself....
for failing
how do I make amends?

and like I said in my previous post, everything is so overwhelming

so overwhelming

I really don't know where to look even,

where to start looking

don't know where & how to start

am I making sense?

Today....is Today, Your day?

Is it?


Is today, your special day?

Happy B'day Ephrem..........
Have a grand celebration..

彭羚 Cass Phang - Still Love You Most 仍然是最愛你

YouTube - 彭羚 Cass Phang - Still Love You Most 仍然是最愛你


"...I've loved you when I first met you
no matter whom you love in your heart..."
I still only love you...and you alone

Exasperated, frustrated, anxious...disappointed...exasperated!!!

you know how sometimes you wish you'd could pick up the phone and call the person that you want to speak to so much?

but am not sure if you'd know or could relate to the exasperation and gradual frustration, when there's no number to call?!

the fastest search engine couldn't find me your details
Google couldn't bring up the right 'Ephrem'...and I thought Google's the most reliable and accurate search engine available in the WWW?
what on earth?!!
They should have their share price thoroughly revalued!

the amount of time spent googling you, your details (not that I have many to begin with), the place where we met...*sigh*, could have me covered several chapters of Financial Analysis; the desperate attempts all met with miserable disappointments, the searches all returned the most remotest link to you...*sigh*

in desperate moments like this, I simply wished it's easier
I deeply wished you'd leave more cyber footprints, so that Google could sniff you out...

in the multiple times that I thought about how we would to meet, when our paths were to intertwine again...

I racked my mind scouring the ways, methods, strategies or even meticulously planned 'coincidences' just so I could "bump" into you again....

should I get my aunt to ask my Nan in BM to ask of Lawrence's mum's whereabout?
then get Lawrence's whereabouts...(somewhere in HK, last I heard
then after a looooonnnnnngggg chat, side-tracking everything else, and then,ease into the 'just happen' to ask about you? your whereabouts....what you've doing all these years? ask about how you've doing?...*argh*

it's so mega exasperating
*ARGH*

when I logged in to pen this post, there was a whole lot of points which I had wanted to expand into proses, but the proses just can't seem to form & flow...

well, in short, I had really wanted to call you
to send you texts...
....or just pick the phone, dial your number ....to hear your deeply comforting voice
to ask you how was your day(did you miss me?)
to let you know what I'm feeling right now...
(a bit lost?...in a daze over...?.....not really sure of the direction I shld take....my next steps...)

there are so, so many Qs I wanted to ask..
well, actually....more than anything I just needed to hear your voice tonight
your soothing voice.......
just so I could ......oh well...I don't know...my mind's in a mini whirlpool...

good night dear
xxx

ps: I'll try to be more composed in my trains of thought and put in more effort in trying to articulate the thoughts into comprehensible proses...

I miss you......will we meet again?

Ephrem dear

This song sings exactly what my heart has been silently asking all this while...'will we meet again?'

'do I exist in your eyes?'

'do you still remember me?'

after all these years...I can't let go...I have no logical reasons why I miss you so very much.....

does love need a logical reason to justify its existence?

I miss you.....Ephrem dear

Sarang hae yo Ephrem

Shall we talk a walk?

31st Aug 2007...our nation's 50th Merdeka; what were you doing? and the usual Q, where were you? Were you....alone? Was someone else with you?
Did you have your fave Nasi Kandar? and your kopi kao?
Don't ask how I know your fave's=N.Kandar...I just know

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1st Sept
I received 2 sets of news - 50:50, was relieved and in some tiny ways, abit happy in the first 1/2 of the day; but came evening, my mood gradually swung towards the low end of the pendulum...I've been trying for a long time to adopt and apply the 'half-full' mentality instead of the chronic 'half-empty' view of things but I reckon the positive reads helped but a tiny fraction.

Went groceries shopping,on the way home decided to take the bus instead of the usual DLR as wanted to stop for curry (UK Indian style) not your usual Penang mamak's style. The meal was most disappointing.Period. You'd have shown your expression of dissatisfaction but not utter any words of it. No, you wouldn't express your dissatisfaction verbally...

As I was about to cross the road to head home, I deeply wished it was you who was carrying my groceries...you would have said "hold my hand" before we cross....I'd say "don't ever let go"

You'd lead me safely to your car, deposit the groceries in the boot, I'd say "shall we talk a walk?"
(for I wanted to hold your hand..again....for a slightly longer time)

"Sure" you'd smile

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Did you know.....

....my heart was crushed today, when I received the news in the post?
Sadly, the numbness only settled in later and I numbly realized it only in the evening...tears flowed as I told the Lord that.

I thought I would be immuned to pain of such news, after all the years of 'similar torture' but the pain the news brought, still somehow managed to sharply pierce through my tender heart

I was swamped by thousands of emotions at the same time
My mind was exhausted since my last slumber 48hours ago
A gazillion trails of thoughts zoomed through my mind at the same time, although some at varying speeds; some sped thru at the speed of light that I tried to grasp hold but managed only a fleeting glimpse, while some trivial others,at a lingering glance

There was no focused direction of the thoughts; I allowed them to wander through and took delight at things going off tangent...I had some silent questins for the Lord, I still do.....
but I guess it's His perogative to answer or remain silent

Somehow, I kept wondering...
there's so much to think about, to think of.....to wonder

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When I started this journal, I had some hopes of us meeting again

Ephrem....
...somehow,today....as things happened, as some things dawned to me, the chances seemed slim and slimmer??

or, should I say, the hopes somehow, grew dimmer?
the chances, as I calculated again, in a more feasible frame of mind, seemed smaller?

In a more 'negative' frame of mind, do things truly look bleaker? I really wanna get rid of this gloomy goggles thatI've been wearing for so long..
Do numbers lie?


I have a list....actually, a long list, of miracles that I desperately need to happen...
God, are You reading? are You listening?
Where are You, Lord?
My heart is so crushed, do You know?
It hurts, Lord..it really does
I'm not immuned to pain


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Min Roo Na Moo

Here's the song...

This song makes me think of you...alot

the rhythm...the 'floating beat' transports me to a world where only thoughts of you fill the entire space...Is it too early to say this?..sarangae Ephrem..

I don't know the lyrics but it's the drama of which this is it's OST, is a very sad if not depressing one. Listen for the melancholic rhythm, not for any sad meaning...