Shall we talk a walk?

31st Aug 2007...our nation's 50th Merdeka; what were you doing? and the usual Q, where were you? Were you....alone? Was someone else with you?
Did you have your fave Nasi Kandar? and your kopi kao?
Don't ask how I know your fave's=N.Kandar...I just know

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1st Sept
I received 2 sets of news - 50:50, was relieved and in some tiny ways, abit happy in the first 1/2 of the day; but came evening, my mood gradually swung towards the low end of the pendulum...I've been trying for a long time to adopt and apply the 'half-full' mentality instead of the chronic 'half-empty' view of things but I reckon the positive reads helped but a tiny fraction.

Went groceries shopping,on the way home decided to take the bus instead of the usual DLR as wanted to stop for curry (UK Indian style) not your usual Penang mamak's style. The meal was most disappointing.Period. You'd have shown your expression of dissatisfaction but not utter any words of it. No, you wouldn't express your dissatisfaction verbally...

As I was about to cross the road to head home, I deeply wished it was you who was carrying my groceries...you would have said "hold my hand" before we cross....I'd say "don't ever let go"

You'd lead me safely to your car, deposit the groceries in the boot, I'd say "shall we talk a walk?"
(for I wanted to hold your hand..again....for a slightly longer time)

"Sure" you'd smile

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Did you know.....

....my heart was crushed today, when I received the news in the post?
Sadly, the numbness only settled in later and I numbly realized it only in the evening...tears flowed as I told the Lord that.

I thought I would be immuned to pain of such news, after all the years of 'similar torture' but the pain the news brought, still somehow managed to sharply pierce through my tender heart

I was swamped by thousands of emotions at the same time
My mind was exhausted since my last slumber 48hours ago
A gazillion trails of thoughts zoomed through my mind at the same time, although some at varying speeds; some sped thru at the speed of light that I tried to grasp hold but managed only a fleeting glimpse, while some trivial others,at a lingering glance

There was no focused direction of the thoughts; I allowed them to wander through and took delight at things going off tangent...I had some silent questins for the Lord, I still do.....
but I guess it's His perogative to answer or remain silent

Somehow, I kept wondering...
there's so much to think about, to think of.....to wonder

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When I started this journal, I had some hopes of us meeting again

Ephrem....
...somehow,today....as things happened, as some things dawned to me, the chances seemed slim and slimmer??

or, should I say, the hopes somehow, grew dimmer?
the chances, as I calculated again, in a more feasible frame of mind, seemed smaller?

In a more 'negative' frame of mind, do things truly look bleaker? I really wanna get rid of this gloomy goggles thatI've been wearing for so long..
Do numbers lie?


I have a list....actually, a long list, of miracles that I desperately need to happen...
God, are You reading? are You listening?
Where are You, Lord?
My heart is so crushed, do You know?
It hurts, Lord..it really does
I'm not immuned to pain


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